My Heart Is Broken

I am in shock. I just found out my vibrant, independent and beautiful 22 year old cousin died yesterday.

An autopsy has been done because no one knows what happened.

Here was this gorgeous young woman, nearing the end of college and looking forward to grad school and now she is gone. Really, it hasn't hit me yet. I started shaking when I got the news but never shed a tear. I have been at work all day, smiling and helping clients like nothing is wrong. I didn't ask to leave early. I mentioned her passing like it was no big deal.

I'd think something was wrong with me but this is how I have always dealt with things. My friend died in high school and after hearing the news, I put curlers in my hair, painted my nails and practiced my cheer routine for the next days competition. My cousin on my mom's side passed away and I didn't cry. In fact, when my mom cried and tried to hug me...I told her not to touch me. When my mom had a massive heart attack and died before being brought back, I didn't cry one tear until I was alone in the hospital bathroom and I bawled...then I emerged smiling. When I was told I had melanoma that would require surgery...acted like nothing was wrong. When my husband deployed? The only time I broke down was in the shower. As a kid, I remember when I got bad news, I'd go sit in my walk-in closet and cry alone. So numbness and solitude is what I do.

My problem will be what to say to her sister at the funeral. What do I say to my uncle, this tough Marine pilot who is burying his daughter?

I just need time to process...and as it always does, it will hit me and I will become a blubbering mess. But I will cry alone, in the bathtub or sitting on the toilet. Why can't I just learn to lean on people?