While I have "childphobia" on the brain...let's discuss my innate fear of screwing them up. I had amazing parents and frankly, I don't think I can do as good a job so maybe I just shouldn't try.
Let's face it...I was spoiled but not to the point where I lost appreciation for what I had when others were not as fortunate. I have always been a bleeding heart as my husband calls me. But I grew up with a lot and I don't want my kids to have less than I did.
I was able to travel and my parents always emphasized a cultured upbringing. How am I going to give that to my kids?
I have a very close-knit family and am heartbroken that I don't still live close. How am I going to raise my kids with the same memories if I am raising them far away from family on some military base.
I grew up with stability. Sure, we moved a couple times but that's over the course of 20 some years...how am I going to give my kids stability when I don't even feel stable? How can they feel like they have roots when we will be moving every few years?
I am not sure I am a good enough person to not screw my kids up. I am scared by change. I am not always secure in who I am. I don't feel I have lived up to my potential...after all, graduating magna cum laude and working for peanuts isn't the greatest example in maximizing potential...my parents on the other hand were amazing in that department.
So as I sit here, tears rolling down my face, I ask...how do you not let your own failures and insecurities negatively impact your kids?
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I think the fact that you *want* to be a good parent is winning half the battle. Everything else comes down to faith, right? Don't worry too much!
ReplyDeleteP.S One of my best friends in college was a military brat, and I was always so amazed at how quickly she made friends and how adventurous she was!
Girl you are NOT alone!! I hate nicknacks and crafts. I get annoyed by kid music. Playing at the park bores me to tears. I'm worried I won't be able to be the amazingly supportive, caring, educating mother that my mom was. I'm worried that I won't be able to strike that balance between spoiling my kids and teaching them values and to appreciate what they have (which my mom did). I'm afraid I will ruin my kids. Being a parent is such an awesome responsibility!!!
ReplyDeleteYou definitely are NOT alone. Everyone is insecure, at times. We are all just figuring out this thing called life with careers and marriage. You will be a great mom because you are so caring and kind. Just the way you talk about your hubs I know you would totally fall in love with your children and be amazing for them. :)
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. I get scared and wonder how I'll ever live up to the job my mother did. I'm horrible at school work, I hate animated movies, I hate answering a ton of questions and I'm selfish when it comes to spending money. However, the fact that you are worried and concerned for future children is an indication that you'll be a good parent!
ReplyDeleteI can tell you from my experience growing up as a military child that I wouldnt have wanted any other childhood. While it wasnt always easy, it was an adventure. I feel like I can adjust better in new surroundings than a lot of my friends who lived in the same place all their lives.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about it recently and kids are so healing (even though I don't yet have my own.) They really teach you what is really important in life and what really matters. It will come when when you have your own children and they will give you so much in return for all you give them. It is natural to be nervous though.
ReplyDeleteI think in a way, an odd way, your insecurities and fears help you to raise your kids. It makes you more aware of things. As my kids are getting older and more aware of our "lifestyle" in the military I worry that it might screw them up. I just try to balance it with the thoughts that they are learning incredible life lessons, about duty, honor, sacrifice, rolling with the punches, and appreciating time you have together. But then again, when a kid is the only one in the class who's dad isnt there for something that lesson still sucks.
ReplyDeleteI always think that parenting is one of those things where you just have to take the big leap and figure things out as you go.
And save for therapy along with college.
Haha! Mr. Top Gun and I have been having the baby top gun talk lately, and as baby crazed as I am?? I AM SCARED AS CRAP to bring a little one into this world! I'm afraid i'm gonna mess my poor child up, and we haven't even made one yet. I think it all comes down to this: When you become a mother, you change, and things just fall into place. All of my friends have kids or are pregnant, so I am the one who can still go out and drink, have fun with my husband, etc...
ReplyDeleteI swear, you sound just like me! How about we just invest in a lovely house in the hill country in TEXAS, and let our Husbands travel around the world?? :)
I just wanted to let you know that being raised as a military child, I would want it no other way. It was a challenage at times but it has made me a very strong person and confident. I can make new friends easily and feel comfertable in different kinds of cultures and around different people. The people skills I have gained and different expereinces I have had are all thanks to the military.
ReplyDeleteI understand that you don't want to raise them far away from your family, but I have managed to develope different kinds of relationships with other military families, as we are stationed with them on different bases year after year, or we stay in touch.
I think EVERYONE feels that way! Not that I think that kids should be an experiment for fun by any means (and not saying that this is what you're doing), but I think that children really become an exercise in learning more about yourself and how to laugh at yourself/let things roll off your back!
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a similar situation (as far as I can tell, at least!) and I've had those fears as well. I think you just have to take what you've learned from your upbringing and your experiences and just make it work -- and really, as long as there is love, lots and lots of love, what can really go wrong? :)
Because so many of those things are important to you, I know you can make it work- wanting to be a good parent is half the battle!
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